My Journey of Faith: Agnosticism, Atheism and Pantheism

“All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” — J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

So what’s Faith that helps run the world? Well, the word faith comes from the Latin word “fidem” which means trust. And trust, it’s the foundation of everything in this world, from believing in your own potential to believing other people, from believing in your dreams to believing in that restless process to achieve them, from believing in goodness to believing in the consequences of our action. We need to trust a lot, isn’t it. Putting faith in something is just our conscience defending it’s cause strongly.

Photo by Delfino Barboza on Unsplash

But never everything had been in our hand, and we wished, we regretted or we had let go of so many things. In these times, where do we put our faith in to get going? Even I don’t know the perfect place to put it, but I had to put it somewhere to preserve my sanity. So this is all about where I had put my faith over the past 23 years of my life…

Fear is a friend who’s misunderstood,
But I know the heart of life is good!”

- John Mayer, from the song The Heart of Life

As a little girl, I was pretty naïve about the idea of religion and Gods. I saw my mother do her prayers everyday to the lifeless deities. I didn’t care much about it until I was asked to do the same for the days she was unable to. It pondered upon me, why are we doing this? So I ask her. And I was told because he is the Creator of life, He powers it, He maintains the balance, He punishes people who do bad and He would grant me wishes because he is all around us, watching us. The innocence in me rejoiced in the fact God was some wish granting factory, but I also had this premonition that I maybe punished for lying about eating candies and that God knew all my secrets. So my fear stopped me from doing things that were assumed to be bad, and my wishes had no bounds. I was filled with lot of hope that some day all of them may come true. Prayers were my calls to the Big Guy for apologies and desires.

Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.” — Stephen King, Shawshank Redemption (1994)

My world of rainbows and unicorns had a setback when I began to have an understanding of all the bad that is happening around me. I had this one question haunting my belief in God, where is He when innocent people are preyed upon, when little children like me carry the burden of poverty, when people are hurt, when people lose someone they love in mishaps. If He is all around, what is He doing, why doesn’t He make a world a big happy place like His own Heaven. How can He be so selfish to create and abandon His children. My heart was broken. I blamed my mother for making me pray to her deaf deity. She told all happens for good and God can not control everything. I refute her ideologies because if God can not control of what He created either He doesn’t exist or He is just a big selfish giant sipping wine in Heaven probably when His children suffer. My faith was lost completely and all I believed was in myself, if someone did wrong to me I became vengeful, and I tried to be a good all the time because I did not want a soul who met me to lose faith in goodness or God. I was on my own, just believing in my conscience and acting accordingly.

Your loyalty is not to me but to the stars above,
One more cup of coffee for the road,
One more cup of coffee ‘fore I go,
To the valley below…
” — Bob Dylan, from the song One More Cup Of Coffee

There was this day in my life when I was filling in my pages of journal, and I felt things are going great for me. Things I wished for myself are coming true, even though I did not wish to God, neither I believed in celestial beings like guardian angels, because if it were so hadn’t everyone be doing great!. But my wishes fulfilling like that freaked me initially, I called it coincidence and hard work too sometimes, but couldn’t connect quite a few dots. Then I accepted the flow of it and realized as much I was looking out for something or someone, something made sure them to exist in the unlikeliest of the places too. That day I realized maybe I did not need an entity like God to make my life better or anyone else’s. I believe this Universe, that created us takes some responsibility for drawing us closer to our purpose, the discomfort made me grow and so did the happiness made me glow, the love taught selflessness and the abandonment helped me letting things go. The soul of ours is our true God, when we listen to it and let it guide us, we truly find what we are looking for, we don’t need to search for God, all is within us.

Photo by Michael Maasen on Unsplash

I believe we all are singing to this beautiful composition that Universe plays, where some notes don’t hit right all the time, where singing some of them is exactly where we are comfortable, where singing some of them makes us push to sing better and where some singing some of them is beyond capacity, hurts our vocals and we let that go. Universe is just writing the music sheet, we all carry it differently. And each one of us will sing the song till our part, and we all will cherish our favorite verse.

Thanks for reading about my trail on my path of seeking faith! I don’t really hold grudges against God anymore, please don’t be offended, that was something I did as a kid. Anything that helps you being a better person, have faith in it and defend it till your last breath!

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